Simian Dreams I: Monkey Business
Platyrrhines and catarrhines
Are generally quite obscene:
They pick their noses, smell their feet,
Won’t wash their hands before they eat;
They belch at mealtimes (especially lunch!),
Slurp and gurgle, chomp and crunch;
Eat the pizza, leave the crust,
Expect their moms to clean the muss.
. . . . . . . .
 Here, because Professor Pennywhistle has what is called a “poetic license,” this word is pronounced “cat-a-reen,” which reminds him of the little French girl who stole his pocket watch while he admired the Cathedral at Notre Dame.
Self-important people will pronounce this “cat-a-rhine”: “cat” as in “cat,” “a” as in “uh,” and “rhine” as in “Rhine” (the river), “rhinoceros,” or “rhinoplasty,” which is what people in Hollywood like to think of as a false nose which they wear permanently for what they call “artistic purposes.” “Platyrrhine” rhymes with “catarrhine,” but comes from South America, has nostrils that courteously breathe in opposite directions so as not to interfere with each other. Catarrhines come from Asia and Africa, but only when someone brings them. Their nostrils aren’t as thoughtful.